wakey wakey hands off snakey
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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