I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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