I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
