I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
