Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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