You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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