Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
