oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
