You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
