You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
