I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
