This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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