Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
