you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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