There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
