I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
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