Your face is a jimmy john
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
