it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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