Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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