I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
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Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
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I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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