Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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