My sheets look like a crime scene.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
