I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
