I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
