Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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