What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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