The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
where are you?
Hypothermia
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
