i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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