if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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