did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
operation harelip BJ is a go
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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