I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old