Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.