Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
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I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
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You are the jesus of drinking
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it