I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
