I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
