last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
