I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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