I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
