Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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