so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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