WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize