some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
