they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Randomize
