my phone needs a breathalizer
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
