false alarm. still invincible.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
