i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
