Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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