Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
our cab driver is having phone sex.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
