New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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