All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
