Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
