Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
two words...techno handjob
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
