im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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