P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
