god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
