made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
