I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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