I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
