You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Randomize
