don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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