this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
