My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
